“You could just become a novelist…”

“…or run a shelter for sick cats?”

These are the ridiculous thoughts that occurred to me last night as I wrestled with my fear of surgery again. At 5am with a lack of sleep and a racing brain, they almost seemed like good ideas, so I had to rather forcefully convince myself to laugh at them and treat them as ridiculous. Otherwise I might have just talked myself out of this.

I have made the choice to no longer be disabled. I have so many ideas on what I want to do with my life when I am well, and I think that giving up those dreams for a lifetime would be worse than a few months of pain in recovery. What I really need to do is list all of the things that I will only be able to do after my surgery (if it is successful), and then read through them every time I feel like I’d rather back out.

So, without further ado…

Ella’s list of things that she would not be able to do without brain surgery:

  • Travel
  • Work as a veterinary nurse
  • Visit galleries and museums on my own
  • Do my own grocery shopping
  • Catch public transport
  • Go to restaurants and cafes
  • Go clubbing with friends
  • Go to concerts or to the theatre
  • Do volunteer work
  • Attend protests
  • Learn to belly dance
  • Continue with yoga
  • Attend meditation and yoga retreats
  • Go camping
  • Clean my own home
  • Look after my pets on my own
  • Sit in a park and read
  • Be there to help friends and family when they need me
  • Live a day without pain
  • Enjoy cooking
  • Attend my friends’ birthdays
  • Attend weddings and funerals
  • Turn an action movie up loud
  • Dance around the house with loud music on
  • Be independent and live my own life

Yeah, whether I’m going to be brave enough to get the surgery isn’t the question. It isn’t a matter of deciding. I have decided. Now it’s just up to the 80% chance that the surgery will be successful enough to allow me to live this lifestyle that I’ve been dreaming of.

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