…this is really happening, isn’t it? My excited optimism has been subdued somewhat, and while I wouldn’t say that I’m miserable, I’m certainly feeling quite heavy hearted and a bit fragile. I’m sleeping over 12 hours a night and then staying in bed all day. It takes only very little things going wrong to dampen my spirits.
To be honest, I’m not even sure exactly what it is that I’m feeling down about. There’s no particular thoughts running through my head that are making me feel this way. I suppose it’s just the enormity of the situation. This is certainly the biggest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life, and keeping myself optimistic has been very draining. I feel the need, not to give up, but to rest for a little bit. The problem, of course, is that there is no rest at all from physical illness. I can rest when I’m well.
So how am I keeping myself going through this phase? To be honest, I’m just letting go. I’m just letting me be down for a while rather than constantly trying to be up. I remind myself that it’s okay to be down and that my family are here to look after me when I’m not able to look after myself. That being said, I do go out of the way to find little joyful things, like watching funny videos on YouTube or spending time with my pets. I’m eating a lot of comfort food too, I’ve gained two kilos but that’s the least of my concerns right now! As long as I’m getting the correct nutrition, like vitamins, minerals and protein, the rest can wait until I’m well.
I’m getting my hair cut short this evening (well, shorter) so that is is easily manageable for hospital. I can’t imagine looking after this long, curly, tangled mess while I’m recovering. It would have been so much easier if I could just keep my dreadlocks in, because they require zero maintenance, but they’re not hygienic enough (and they’re a bit heavy). I’m also starting to get my bags packed, ready to move home with my parents for a while after surgery. My current apartment is up three flights of stairs which I wont be able to manage for a while after hospital.
So I suppose this is the countdown. I don’t have a clue what’s ahead of me.