I said I’d be honest, didn’t I?

My aim for this blog has been to give an honest account of not only the physical but the emotional experience of fighting a disability. So far I think I’ve done okay, but it’s starting to get more difficult as I experience some of the negative effects of coming out of a disability. It’s quite hard to recount them, because I honestly feel like I’ve been given such a great gift with this recovery that I don’t really have the right to be experiencing emotional difficulties any more.

But I said I’d be honest, and I can imagine I’m not the only person who has left a disability behind who has felt this, so here we go…

Right now I have the flu. It’s not the flu that’s really bothering me, as honestly it’s a cakewalk compared to my sicker days with Chiari, but it’s bad enough to have left me bed ridden for most of the day. My friends and family are quite busy at the moment, so again I find myself confined to the apartment, alone, unable to go out. You think I’d be used to it by now, but actually the fact that I’ve been so free recently makes it even more difficult to go back to. I’m finding myself staring at the clock, waiting for the time when someone will come home to spend time with. Sometimes it honestly is feeling like I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day with nothing to do.

This is, honestly, a bit odd for me, because for the last few years I’ve gotten very used to boredom and I actually used it to get more acquainted with myself. I’d just sit and meditate or think about things, and it made me a much happier person. Now I find my mind wont sit still. I can’t stop thinking about how great it will be to start working, or go out with my friends again, or be well enough to cook something elaborate. Being free of my disability has kind of thrown my mind into a crazy turmoil where I have to be doing something exciting every moment of every day, because you never know when you’ll have it all taken away from you. I don’t really remember how I used to just sit back and enjoy my own company all day.

So, naturally I know that if I am patient, this will pass as soon as my flu clears up. Being patient just seems to be much more difficult than it used to be!


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